I was chewing gum and had to pee at work. I went to go spit out my gum, but instead pulled my pants down and sat bare ass onto the trashcan

I got so excited at one of my sons games during my jumping and screaming I peed all over myself in the middle of the stands

I once got really pissed off that the phone wasn’t working. Turns out that i was typing the number on my keyboard and not the phone.

as soon as I hit 30 I realized sometimes it is safer to sit on the toilet and puke in a bucket after shitting myself a couple of times. my body apparently has decided the force of vomiting demands a shit sacrifice.

I just wad up toilet paper and put it between my legs lol

I’m not a midlifer, and I don’t want to brag or anything, but I crapped myself a little after a sneeze back in November. (I’m 26)

Kept smelling 💩 randomly for a few hours - not a consistent smell, like in random waves. Checked my shoes several times - nope, that’s not it. Checked the bottom of my shirt - sometimes one of my dogs doesn’t get a clean break and when I pick him up…a schmear but that wansn’t it. Went to bathroom to pee & make sure it wasn’t me. That’s when I found the doggy poop bag I tire to the belt loop on my shorts from our morning walk. 🐶🥴 #midliferconfessions 😂

My grandma famously did this in an airport bathroom - she waved to the lady. She told my mom she saw a nice lady in the bathroom who waved back - and was so pretty.

50 yrs old. can't remember words quickly. Tonight I decided that Im going to do yoga in the morning. Instead of calling it yoga...I stumbled over my words and said " I'm going to do some..liquorice....nope"

Fell asleep with a glass of wine in my hand, spilled the wine in my lap, got wine on my phone so I couldn’t plug in the charger without that crazy warning sound that your phone is damp, went to borrow my son’s wireless charger from his room and decided that was the time to take my bra off for bedtime, left it on his bed…he was thoroughly traumatized.

I was speaking with a potential adopter of one of my foster kittens at a Petco Adoption Center. I confused the button of my keychain flashlight/taser combo for the taser, and tased myself in front of everyone. The kitten got adopted 😂.

While Thanksgiving shopping for groceries during a mad rush I grabbed a box of spaghetti and they fell all over the floor while trying to pick them up I knocked over the Stove Top Stuffing display 😳

Tried to kick my trashcan lid closed with my arms full. Fell and broke 3 bones in my ankle. Had to sit in my yard for 30 minutes with my almost 4 year old while I waited for family to come rescue me. I’m 33

Every time I bend over, I fart now. 🤦🏼‍♀️It doesn’t matter where I am. I can only shop from the middle rows now. 😭😭😭

Haven’t trusted a fart in years but decided to risk it for the biscuit during my preceptorship at the hospital - had to change and wore hospital scrubs for the rest of that day. I’ll leave you to fill in the blanks 😅

I coughed in the middle of you know what with my husband and farted so hard and loud it pushed him out of me 😳

I was sitting on the toilet doing my business and sneezed. Threw my back out, didn’t go to work for 2 days it hurt so much

I threw my back out getting off the toilet 😂

I sneezed while getting off the couch and threw my back out

Ac in my car doesn’t work, it’s HOT. Windows down, I’m on my way to a job interview, hot and nervous. I reach up to grab my necklace and roll it between my fingers (nervous habit) as I’m rolling it I realize I’m not wearing a necklace. Pulled my hand away and looked at what I could possibly be rolling between my fingers… it’s a grasshopper that jumped in the window😳 I screamed, threw the poor guy, and peed my pants all at once😂

was in my car fighting for my damn life over a hotflash. turns out my seat heater was on in 100° weather.

Only three days after I turned 50, two young men showed up knocking on my door trying to sell me a life insurance policy. (I didn’t even know they did door to door anymore or how they knew I just turned 50.) One of them said “You should strongly consider life insurance because a woman of your age needs to start considering….”. 😠 That was all I heard before I chased them out of my driveway, shoe in hand, having a hot flash yelling “WOMAN OF MY AGE?! WTF does that even mean? Seriously?! Who sent you! GTFO off of my property!”.

I’m 28 but I’m menopause so I will just join: did I have a hotflash, fever or a flair up. It was neither I accidentally turned on the seat heater function.

I tried to open my apartment door by pressing my car key. I got frustrated when it didn’t work

I've done this as well as stood at my door (after a double shift), pushing unlock on my fob, bursting into tears because it didn't work

The amount of times I’ve attempted to use my hospital badge to get into my house and then gotten angry when the door wouldn’t open…

I tried to open my house front door with my car key fob.

I tried to open my front door with my car key fob. I pushed the unlock 🔓 button twice. 🫣

I tried to scroll while having a conversation with a coworker. FYI that doesn't work. 😏

I was reading a physical book and tried to zoom in with my fingers because my eyes were tired. it didn't work. I'm 36

the amount of times i’ve tried to pinch zoom in on actual pictures is embarrassing. 😂

I frequently try to call people on my phone using the calculator! there's so much more!! 🥴😂

I tapped a picture in a magazine to try to make it bigger

I grabbed a Diet Coke out of the garage fridge to have at work. My boss walked by my desk and asked why I had a Coors Light on my desk 🤦‍♀️

not me but my mom. when the movie 50 shades of grey was about to come out everyone was reading the book. my mom wanted to get in on the action and proceeded to go to the local Christian store and ask them if they had a copy because she thought it was a Christian book

I regularly throw my car keys away on street trash cans thinking I am throwing the trash in my car. Then I walk around the store holding the trash thinking I’m holding my car keys to realize it as I try to open my car. At that point is time to search yet another nasty street trash can of central Florida. I know carry gloves, mask and wipes for my oh so regular scavenger hunt 😁😳

We lost the remote 20mins after turning on the tv. Found it 2 days later stuck in the container with all my wooden spoons.

I reached for the TV remote to pause the video I was watching on my phone. Aimed it straight at the TV.. that was off.

I was in a hurry to get to work. I was looking for my glasses and accidentally put my roommates glasses on top of mine that were already on my face. Another time, I got to work with the remote instead of my phone. I think that is a sign that I’m not meant to work🤷🏻‍♀️

Midlifer confession: I am an amputee so when I am at home I often use my wheelchair instead of wearing my prosthesis. 🦿. That leads me to my confession I sometimes walk into work and sit at my desk chair and will expect it to have wheel bars like my wheelchair. 🦽 just putting my hands at the sides and mad that I keep missing the wheels. 🤝😂

Finally got a romantic getaway with my husband after forever... and instead of making memories, you make housekeeping rich. 💩🛏️My husband deserves a medal... and so did the cleaning crew. 🤦‍♀️😂

We went to a friend’s place and I knocked on the door. When she answered, I got a jumpscare like her opening the door was unexpected.

I once got worried that we tripped a breaker because the microwave had stopped working. It was just done. Another time I was trying to set the time on my microwave and said, “Hey, Siri”. It did not work. Finally, there have been too many times where I’m looking at a hard copy picture and I put two fingers on it to enlarge it. 😂🤣😅

I couldn't figure out why my "Alexa" wasn't working and was getting increasingly pissed. On the 3rd or 4th yell, I realized I was hollering my dog's name, Delilah. Poor thing was so confused! 😂

My oldest was 5. So mind you I was only 23, so not midlife but whatever lol. I dropped her off and school and we would always sign “I love you” when she walked up the sidewalk into the school. I was TIRED yall but instead of I love you 🤟 I signed this instead 🖕. And I was like “crap”! And went to sign it again and I DID IT AGAIN YALL! 🤦🏼‍♀️

I was getting off the bus while getting to work and shouted to the driver instead of "thank you".."love youuu!" He thought it was hilarious

entered my debit card pin on the microwave. food got very done.

I entered my debit card pin number to enter the gate of my apartments. I sat there in my car irritated for a while wondering why the stupid gate wouldn't open. lol

Used my car keys to start my locker…….badged my front door…….said Hey Siri to my puppy…..put my pin in the microwave and fire popcorn 🍿 😅🤔😴

I got fully dressed for my bartending shift at a local concert venue. drove 20 minutes there, walked up to the check-in gate and gave them my name, only to find out I'm not working until NEXT week.

me *sitting in the passenger seat of my sisters car....* pull on to our street (we live together) I yell "WHO THE F*CK IS IN MY SPOT?!" ......its MY car, im parked in my spot 🤣😂

Had a double shift and got home at midnight. Opened the garage and began to freak out because my car wasn’t there. I went to call my fiance and then realised I was in my car

Drove to the store, walked home. Wondered where my car was next morning.

We have chickens and I feed them as I am walking to my car to go to work. They are very friendly. I picked one up fed the rest. Got in the car and didn’t notice. After about 30 minutes she clucked and then I turned around and took her home.

As a mid-lifer.. I sat in the bank chair with my newly graduated daughter while she was doing everything for university and proceeded to.. then had to shake that man’s hand while walking out and onto our very busy downtown street where I was thankful I had a garbage bag in my car and sat on that while driving home..

I went to the supermarket to buy a bag of fries. Before getting in, I apparently placed it on the car instead of inside it, and then drove off. When I got home, I looked for the bag of fries in the car, but my five-year-old daughter said I had placed it on the roof and it flew off and hit someone when I drove away.

Oh Christ. I have an interview next week and need to take the car without AC. Thanks for the warning.

I did this with my steering wheel warmer. 😭 100 degrees, AC on max and my hands would. Not. Stop. Sweating. Thought it was warning sign of heart attack or something 😆

I hav to turn the radio down in the car to read the street signs!

car pulled up and took a photo of my house! I freaked out and called my husband, then got my DoorDash delivery notification. I forgot o ordered DoorDash 😂

I can't tell you how many times this has happened to me. Once I actually went to the doctor to get my hormones adjusted and when I was at the pharmacy drive thru to pick them up I looked down and saw the seat heater was on high (I had noticed the light several times but got it in my head that it was the "A Off" button, I don't even have one of those in my car but my husband did in his new car and told me to always make sure it was on 😳)! I'd been driving around with the seat heater on high for 2 weeks, in August, in Florida 🙄😂!!

In my thirties and tried to use my blinker while turning left. Unfortunately I was using a shopping cart.

I did the hand movement for turning on my blinker for a turn while driving but I was pushing a freakin basket through Walmart! 😂😂 I was like wth. 😂😂

I sat at a stop sign for at least 3 minutes waiting for the light to change😳

I was shopping at the grocery store and tried to turn my blinker on to turn down the isle

I handed my Dollywood pass to the cashier at McDonald’s drive through. I didn’t feel too bad since she scanned it and told me it didn’t work. 😂

I went to the McDonald's drive through and handed the cashier my Directv remote and didn't notice until the cashier started laughing

Not midlife crisis I was 19, I was at the Taco Bell drive thru, I handed my debit card and drove off with no debit card and no food. Had to circle back embarrassed 🥴

I went through the drive thru lane at Taco Bell, placed my order, and then proceeded to tell them that I wanted my order to go…. 🤦🏽‍♀️

Sat down in the toilet to pee and tried to put my seatbelt on 😁

I’m 28 and have done the office chair seatbelt thing so many times 😂

Same here with my seatbelt however, I once panicked because i realised I hadn’t put my car side and headlights on, then realised I was walking!

I forgot to do my usual ‘phone, wallet, car keys’ check before I left the house, so I decided to do it while driving, when I went into full panic mode and had to pull over to do a better search because I couldn’t find my car keys 😐

Last winter I started my car to warm it up, came back inside to wait a few minutes and then had a panic attack because I couldn't find my car keys...that were in the car, warming it up.

Stopped by a friends to show off my new car. We went in the house and had a nice long chat. I had left my car running the whole time.

My new lotion was so soft. Then one day it foamed up. Turned out I was using body wash. Had been using it 2 weeks

I wondered why my nails were turning brown yea my lotion was a bronze 😁

Kept tasting grape on my lips and thought I was having some type of brown episode. Turns out it was my husband’s chapstick and he had taken a drink from my straw…🤦🏻‍♀️

Not super embarrassing, but I was brushing my teeth, my partner started talking to me so I turned around to listen, then spit on the bathroom floor instead of the sink 🤦🏻‍♀️

Went to brush my teeth and grabbed the muscle cream instead

Bought that stupid Lume deodorant on TikTok. (Don’t do it. It smells like feet & old fruit). It’s a cream that comes in a tube. One day I went around with toothpaste coating my armpits. I did smell minty fresh but a bit sticky 😂

I cleaned my glasses daily for over a year with spray cleaner and when the bottle went empty, I checked the label for the brand because it worked so well. Turned out it was antibiotic spray for a surgery I had had over a year ago 😂

I started a load of laundry at my friend's house. I asked him where the soap was. He said right there pointing. I checked and both bottles were laundry softener so I told him. He came to check (since he's always right..lol). He had been 'washing' clothes with laundry softener for weeks and didn't understand why the clothes weren't getting clean. lol

I secretly use my husband razors to shave my titties. I drank a lot of Cisco back in the day. His razor are much better 🤦🏽‍♀️🤷🏽‍♀️

My husbands fingernails turned purple. He consulted with a friend who was a cardiologist and said it could be a vitamin deficiency but he needs to get to the doctor. My MIL came over to assess the situation and brought a pulse ox thinking it was a circulation issue and was about to take him to the ER when I remembered my husband had been using Just For Men shampoo with hair dye. I checked the packaging and stained fingers and nails are common 😂😂😂

I spent years reminding my daughters to wash the conditioner out of their hair, only to leave the shower without washing my conditioner out. midlifer confessions

im 22 but I was so tired that I washed my hair with shower gel 😂

I was running late and grabbed my hairspray for a quick spritz before heading out. Got to work and quickly noticed my hair was sticky and had a kind of gluey feel. I went to the restroom and my hair looked like it had literally melted on my head like candle wax and throughout the day little balls of a white substance were falling out all over me and my desk. Everyone kept looking at it while they were talking to me. All damn day the little white balls got worse. Got home and noticed on my bathroom counter that I hadn’t spritzed hairspray on my hair. It was my spray deodorant. All.Over.My. Head.

I went to target today to buy deodorant in a hurry. I went to a self check out and kept trying to put my $20 dollar bill in. Didn’t work, I tried 5 times. Turns out , there was a huge sign that said “Card Only!”.. 🤦🏻‍♀️

I bought new body spray that was making me choke & cough, but i continued to use it due to all of the compliments i was getting, it was room deodorizer. I am a nurse😑

I put spray deodorant in my hair thinking it was dry shampoo. Didn't notice until later in the day. Then I did the same thing again a few days later. Getting spray deodorant out of your hair is not easy 🤣 it basically bounced the water off my hair

grabber the hair spray instead of deodorant and sprayed my pits with hair spray

I have a friend that thought she was using self tanning lotion over a week and she wasn’t getting darker. It was sun screen!

I put self-tanner on to marinate overnight. I forgot only my butt, which I quickly discovered in the morning.

My friends sister did this years ago. She kept putting here sisters lotion on her face every night and didn’t know it had self tanner in it. She woke up orange one morning and thought she was dying. Her mother brought her to the emergency room 😅

I grabbed eyedrops and put them in my eyes. Unfortunately, I had grabbed the bottle from the vet, for the cat! 😹 No side effects except a craving for tuna.

Went to take my nail polish off with the cotton rounds I always use for eye makeup remover. Rubbed acetone right into my eyeball. Burned like hell. 😳

I drank too much wine and reached for eye drops beside my bed. They weren’t eye drops. It was earwax remover drops!!! Jumped out of bed and grabbed my bottle water and proceeded to pour over my face. It was citrus water!!!

Put in eyedrops realized it was dristan nose spray had to call poison control just in case 😂

I called my husband from my cell phone in my car in our garage upset because I couldn't find my phone. What made it worse was when he walked into the garage repeatedly saying. " you can't find your phone?" and every time I responded "no" growing more agitated. He literally walked up to my door on his phone, opened my door and asked again laughing........it finally clicked! 😂

i have panicked searched for my phone while talking on it🤦🏻‍♀️😂

' Mum are u looking for the phone your talking on ?' yes , yes I was 56 🤦‍♀️

im 36 but!! I was crying because I lost my phone in target... i was calling it over and over only to be getting my voicemail (like it kept asking me to put in my pass code to check my voice mail) I was USING MY PHONE... to try to call my phone that I thought I lost🤦‍♀️

I once waited for my food at a coffee shop & they asked "is there something else I can help you with?" Calmly I replied that I was just waiting for my food. They were so kind when pointing out the bag was already in my hand

I looked for my hair tie all morning found it about 8 hours later on my wrist 🤦🏼‍♀️

I’ve reached the age where I can see and I’m always looking for things that either on my head, in my hands or in obvious places that I can’t see.

I was looking for my phone in my car it was dark and then i realized I was using my phone flashlight to look for my phone 🤣🤣 I was out there for an hour 😳

Spent 10 minutes one night looking for my phone in the car- using my phone as a flashlight...

Looked for my phone in the dark with the flashlight on my phone. May or may not have searched for 3 minutes

I got to work a 45 min drive only to realize I forgot my phone which I needed. Drove all the way home only to find out I was using it in the car to listen to music.

I walk around on my phone looking for my phone..

i panicked coz I thought i had lost my phone in the middle of driving. while using my phone as GPS

I had a moment of panic on my way to work that I might have forgotten my car keys because they weren’t in my jacket pocket. Friends I was DRIVING MY CAR AT THE TIME.

Lost my phone at home, was looking for it everywhere for over an hour and I was getting stressed so I decided to go make a brew to calm down. I opened the fridge to get the milk out and there was my phone sitting inside the fridge. A few days later I lost my purse.. also to the fridge 🤦‍♀️

I started my car, then proceeded to have a full panic attack because i couldn’t find my keys.. to start my car.

I'm absolutely, 100% positive I have something to contribute to this conversation, but I unfortunately cannot remember what it is.

I had it under control. She would have freaked out and made it worse. My wife was seeing god on a brownie and didn’t tell me and I was like WHY DIDNT YOU SAY SOMETHING

I'm absolutely, 100% positive I have something to contribute to this conversation, but I unfortunately cannot remember what it is.

I have severe gut issues, anxiety and just general forgetfulness. I drank a quad espresso. Forgot I drank it. Drank an alani. Forgot I drank that. Drank a Bloom probiotic energy drink. When I say I had to literally hold my ass cheeks together to run the 50 yards to the bathroom. Spent about an hour vibrating on the toilet and another hour feeling like I railed 16 lines of Scarface coke….🙄

Said out loud at work today that we really needed a spatula so I could scrape the sides of this container. My co worker held up a container full of them and asked, "like these?" 🤦‍♀️