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Celeste Headlee's TED talk discusses the challenges that polarization and technology pose to maintaining polite and meaningful conversations. She emphasizes conversational competence as an important skill that is often overlooked in today's digital age. The speaker suggests setting aside personal opinions, asking open-ended questions, staying focused, being honest, avoiding repetition and unnecessary details, and practicing active listening as ways to improve our conversations. The speaker also highlights the importance of being brief and concise in conversations, and encourages the audience to approach conversations with the intention to learn.
How does it apply to you?
This learning can be applied in everyday life and in professional settings to improve interpersonal communication, build stronger relationships, and foster understanding among people with differing perspectives.
Applied Learning to Developer Enablement
In software development, differing perspectives often lead to innovative solutions. Encouraging open dialogue and listening to all team members can foster creativity and collaboration. Developers should be able to clearly express their ideas and understand others' perspectives. Regular practice and feedback can help improve these skills.
Developer Checklist
Promoting Effective Communication
Promoting Effective Interpersonal Skills
Summary
The Challenge of Polite Conversation
The speaker discusses the challenges of maintaining polite conversation in a highly polarized world. Topics that were once considered safe, such as weather and health, have become contentious due to issues such as climate change and anti-vaccination movements. The speaker points out that the world has become a place where every conversation has the potential to turn into an argument, and this is not normal.
The Impact of Polarization and Lack of Listening
The speaker cites a study by Pew Research which found that the American public is more polarized and divided than ever in history. This polarization has led to a decrease in compromise, indicating a lack of listening to differing perspectives. Decisions about where to live, who to marry, and who to be friends with are increasingly made based on pre-existing beliefs, again signaling a lack of listening.
The Role of Technology
The speaker discusses the role of technology, specifically smartphones, in contributing to the lack of balance in conversation. Citing Pew Research again, the speaker notes that a third of American teenagers send more than a hundred texts a day and are more likely to text their friends than talk to them face to face.
The Importance of Conversational Competence
The speaker quotes a high school teacher, Paul Barnwell, who points out that conversational competence might be the most overlooked skill we fail to teach. Despite spending hours engaging with ideas and each other through screens, young people rarely have the opportunity to hone their interpersonal communication skills. The speaker asserts that being able to sustain a coherent, confident conversation might be the most important 21st-century skill.
The Art of Conversation
The speaker proposes to spend the next 10 minutes teaching the audience how to talk and listen. She challenges common advice about conversation, such as looking the person in the eye, thinking of interesting topics in advance, and repeating back what you just heard, calling it 'crap'. Instead, she emphasizes the importance of actually paying attention during a conversation.
The Importance of Setting Aside Personal Opinion
The famous therapist M. Scott Peck emphasized that true listening requires setting aside personal opinion. This creates a safe space for the speaker to open up more, as they sense this acceptance. This is especially important when the speaker might have a unique perspective or information that the listener is unaware of. The key takeaway is to approach conversations with the assumption that you have something to learn, reinforcing the idea that everyone is an expert in something.
The Use of Open-Ended Questions
Open-ended questions are an effective way to encourage more detailed responses in a conversation. Questions that start with who, what, when, where, why, or how are particularly useful. Avoiding leading or loaded questions allows the speaker to express their perspective fully and enriches the dialogue. A useful technique is to ask questions that prompt the speaker to reflect and explore their feelings or experiences more deeply.
Maintaining Focus in Conversation
In a conversation, it's crucial to stay present and engaged. Thoughts will inevitably enter your mind, but it's important to let them pass and not allow them to distract from actively listening to the speaker. This means avoiding the temptation to interrupt with your own stories or experiences, or to ask questions that have already been answered. The conversation should be about understanding the speaker, not asserting your own thoughts or experiences.
The Importance of Honesty
If you don't know something, it's better to admit it rather than pretend to be an expert. This honesty fosters trust and authenticity in a conversation. It's also important to avoid equating your experiences with the speaker's. Every experience is individual, and it's not about proving how amazing you are or how much you've suffered. Conversations should not be seen as a promotional opportunity.
Avoiding Repetition and Unnecessary Details
Conversations can become dull and condescending if you repeat yourself or get lost in the details. It's important to get to the point and stay focused on the main topic. People are generally more interested in the broader narrative and what they have in common with you, rather than specific dates, names, or years.
The Importance of Active Listening
Active listening is the most important skill in a conversation. It's crucial to listen with the intent to understand rather than to reply. Many people fail to truly listen to each other because they'd rather talk or they get distracted. However, being able to listen attentively and understand the speaker is what makes a conversation meaningful and productive.
Being Brief
Being concise in a conversation is equally important. It's essential to be interested in other people and to allow them to express themselves. Long-winded explanations or stories may detract from the main point and can cause the other person to lose interest. Being brief and to the point ensures that the conversation remains engaging and productive.
Speaker's Background
The speaker shares examples of interesting individuals they've encountered, like a runner-up to Miss America, a mayor of Sacramento, a Pulitzer Prize winner, and a Russian ballet dancer. These experiences have shaped the speaker's worldview, leading them to assume everyone has some hidden, amazing quality.
Speaker's Attitude towards Others
The speaker explains their approach to interpersonal interaction. They focus on listening more than speaking, keeping an open mind, and always being prepared to discover something amazing about the person they are interacting with. This approach, they believe, makes them a better host.
Advice for Interactions
The speaker encourages the audience to adopt a similar approach in their interactions. They suggest going out, talking to people, listening to them, and most importantly, being prepared to be amazed by what they might discover. They conclude their talk with this advice.
FAQs
What challenges are faced in maintaining polite conversation in today's world? The world has become highly polarized, turning even safe topics like weather and health into contentious issues due to climate change and anti-vaccination movements. Every conversation has the potential to turn into an argument.
What are the impacts of polarization and lack of listening? This polarization has led to a decrease in compromise, indicating a lack of listening to differing perspectives. Decisions about where to live, who to marry, and who to be friends with are increasingly made based on pre-existing beliefs.
What is the role of technology in conversation? Smartphones have contributed to the lack of balance in conversation. Many teenagers send more than a hundred texts a day and are more likely to text their friends than talk to them face to face.
Why is conversational competence important? Conversational competence might be the most overlooked skill we fail to teach. Being able to sustain a coherent, confident conversation might be the most important 21st-century skill.
What is the importance of setting aside personal opinion in conversation? True listening requires setting aside personal opinion. This creates a safe space for the speaker to open up more. The key takeaway is to approach conversations with the assumption that you have something to learn.
How are open-ended questions useful in a conversation? Open-ended questions encourage more detailed responses in a conversation. They allow the speaker to express their perspective fully and enriches the dialogue.
How can focus be maintained in a conversation? In a conversation, it's crucial to stay present and engaged. Avoiding the temptation to interrupt with your own stories or experiences, or to ask questions that have already been answered.
Why is honesty important in a conversation? If you don't know something, it's better to admit it rather than pretend to be an expert. This honesty fosters trust and authenticity in a conversation.
What should be avoided in a conversation? Conversations can become dull and condescending if you repeat yourself or get lost in the details. It's important to get to the point and stay focused on the main topic.
Why is active listening important in a conversation? Active listening is the most important skill in a conversation. Being able to listen attentively and understand the speaker is what makes a conversation meaningful and productive.
Why is being brief important in a conversation? Being concise in a conversation is equally important. It helps in keeping the conversation meaningful and focused.
Why is it essential to be interested in other people? Being interested in other people and allowing them to express themselves keeps the conversation engaging and productive.
What are some examples of interesting individuals the speaker has encountered? The speaker has encountered a runner-up to Miss America, a mayor of Sacramento, a Pulitzer Prize winner, and a Russian ballet dancer.
What is the speaker's attitude towards others? The speaker focuses on listening more than speaking, keeping an open mind, and always being prepared to discover something amazing about the person they are interacting with.
What advice does the speaker give for interactions? The speaker encourages the audience to go out, talk to people, listen to them, and most importantly, be prepared to be amazed by what they might discover.
